Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Why I Hate Male Yoga Instructors

WARNING TO PARENTS AND CLOSE FAMILY: THIS ENTRY IS ABOUT MY VAGINA, IF THAT WILL OFFEND YOU PLEASE SKIP THIS!!! If not, carry on.

Male yoga instructors contort you into awkward positions with little or no regard for how it may affect your feminine mystique. For example last night our slightly goofy substitute instructor made us do this thing that, well, sucked air into my vagina like a freakin' bellows. And then what happened during the next asana, but much to my horror, it came flrblatting out in a sound closely akin to that of one soiling one's trousers. Not once. Not twice. But three times. And there I sat burning in shame and trying to act like nothing happened but really wanting to raise my hand and explain to the class that, no in fact, I did not just scatologically let loose into my stretchy yet supportive yoga shorts, but did in point suffer from air being expelled from my delicate girlish bits. But then no. Because that would not really ameliorate their gross-out factor, now would it? So there I sat, suffering my bodily shame in silence. But no more! NO MORE, I tell you! Because I have the whole of the Internets to share my shame with! My shame AND my fear and loathing of the dreaded male yoga instructor. Thank you, and goodnight.

9 comments:

Unfazed Dad said...

Shame on him, not you! Now this must mean a completely healed butt and back, or these contortions would not be applicable, eh? And spreading your embarrassment over the blog world is like painting a wall, it gets so thin after a while that its like...gone!

Anonymous said...

beep...beep...beep. gaydar. lots of talk about vaginas and lesbian folk singers - i love it! i live nearby. in fact, looking at your photo, i think i've seen you in my shop (the espresso store in mariposa). is that guy trans? or what? i've had my eye on you. what do you say? wanna latte at my pony espresso?

Suzie said...

Oh my. While I am completely flattered that you have enjoyed my blog and even recognized me at the coffee shop, I have to say that my wonderful husband would probably take offense at being mistaken for a transgendered individual. While he has occasionally been called a pretty boy, does have lovely blue eyes, and is always a hit with the gay boys, he is and always has been regular old hetero homegrown beef. So, uh, thanks for the comment and if I have not now offended you by being part of a conventional breeder couple (or in any other way) say hi next time!

Kathleen said...

cousin. oh my god. i am laughing my arse off at the moment. so good to know that i am not the only one that has happened to.
i love you!

Anonymous said...

QUEEF!

Anonymous said...

I have to say I'm pretty disappointed. You're saying you dislike male instructors because a single instructor "made" you perform a pose in which your own body had a particular functional effect? That's your fault. Not his.

It's kind of amazing you immediately generalize all males in the profession because of a single bad experience with a single instructor. I clicked the link expecting to hear a horror story of the male instructor groping you inappropriately or something of that nature. But you're honestly blaming your yoga instructor for your own bodily functions, simply because he's a male? You should be ashamed. If you're that self conscious, perhaps you should perform yoga in the privacy of your own home instead of taking classes with other people.

"No one of consequence" said...

I realize this post is 6 years old now, but I whole heartedly agree with the above comment. Declaring that all male yoga teachers are horrid because of a pose that a single* male teacher put the class in that resulted in unfortunate noises emanating from your body (no one else's) is pretty ridiculous and unfair to say the least.

I've had at least 5 male yoga instructors and they were all equally good or better than the plethora of traditionally female teachers I've had.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm not a fan of male hate...especially when men who do/teach yoga are actually trying to be good humans (most of the time). But as a male student and teacher of the yogas, I would really like to hear what poses and/or cues cause the queef. So, do tell please, so that we can all learn together without putting each other down for things that we are not taught about.
Thanks
Andy

Anonymous said...

As a practicing male yogi for 3 years, and now a male Teacher In Training, I too would appreciate knowing the pose (or poses?) that cause this phenomenon please?

Also, just a side note, the 2 rules of being self-conscious in a yoga class are:

-Nobody is looking at you, they are looking at their own mat

-That sound could just as well be a sweaty limb or paw rubbing against a mat; continue breathing =)